Since I can remember I have always imagined having a baby girl. It made more sense to me. I was after all, a girl. All of my experience in this life has been as a girl and I always felt like I had a lot to offer as a mother of a girl. I think so far I can look back and confidently say that I've been a pretty ballsy girl - often breaking social/cultural norms all in the name of finding and expressing true self and sometimes at the expense of temporarily disappointing the people I know to love me the most. I have always felt like a pretty intuitive person. Despite the frequent indecision and contemplation of being an easily influenced human (being human), I always knew deep down that I was the only person who truly knew what was right for me. In fact I know that to be true for most of us. And so, with all that I've learned through experience, and with intuition as my guide, I have always wanted to mother a girl, even if just to be an empathetic, open minded, supportive anchor in all things girl. I know what it's like, I know it's not easy.
The last four and a half months have been the strangest experience for me. Since almost the day I found out I was pregnant I had a strong belief that I was carrying a boy. I have no idea where it came from. Was it some old wives tale that I read and got stuck in my head? Was it the cultural pressure to have a proud son to carry on my husbands last name? Was it what I really wanted? Was it a defense against my fear of not getting what I really wanted? Was it intuition? I have no clue, but it was damn real.
After heavy contemplation my husband and I decided to find out the sex of our baby as soon as we could. Both being anal engineers and me being so damn anxious we figured it best to have less surprises on delivery day. Besides, for me it was just officiating what I already knew to be true - I was having a boy. We got our doctor to put the baby's gender in a sealed envelope and decided to throw a little celebration with our closest friends and family around to reveal the baby's gender. We gave the sealed envelope to a cake maker and had them make us a cake that was dyed either blue or pink on the inside.
Leading up to the party I kept imagining cutting into the cake and seeing a sea of blue. I couldn't even imagine the cake being pink inside. Unfathomable.
Then the day of the party came, we cut into the cake and the suspense was finally over.
Well, I was dead wrong. I truly think I experienced the biggest shock of my life in that moment. How could I have been so wrong? What a bizarre feeling. My initial shock made it hard for me to truly embrace the news. I did after all just spend the last 4 and a half months envisioning having a baby boy. I felt so removed and confused. Slowly as the shock of that moment had passed I was able rest back into my long running excitement and hope to have a baby girl to care for, to guide, to teach to be human and to be herself, and to dress the heck out of. I truly could not be happier. Thank you Universe.
As for my mother's intuition, well, I need to work on that.
PS if you're a highly anxious person (like myself) I am not so sure I'd recommend a gender reveal party as a way to find out the sex of your baby. I almost had a panic attack and I kind of hated it in the moment. So much pressure. Looking back I am glad I did it though. Remembering the excitement of family and friends who felt so invested in the moment meant a lot to me and now I will always have that memory.
Here's a few photos from the party...
Cake by: Frosting Cake and Event Design